Thursday, October 15, 2009 

i discovered recently while reflecting during transit (as i am wont to do these days, whether walking or being whisked and jolted here and there via the tube) that somehow my grief, the quality of my missing papa has transitioned in the past year.

it is not so acute. after nearly five years (can that be?) it has become a slow burn. there is now a chunk of life lived without his presence, his influence. in some ways this hurts even harder. i'm losing the sound, the timbre of his 'hello' when he answered the phone, the memory of his shuffle when he walked out back to feed the goats and dogs and g-d-knows-what-else, emus i guess, more distant, even the first grief a grief of the past, those instances of remembering now something to be remembered, things mediated by the march of minutes as time presses ever forward, even as the past several months have been such a sound vacuum, this bubble of time somehow impervious to reality, or is it vice versa?

in many ways i am keeping my thoughts about the past year to myself as they take shape. i am in process.

not that i am suggesting there is a destination, some place where i may dust off my hands and declare the work finished, to have somehow come to understand what has taken place (that would be to ascribe it Meaning, i think)... but the analysis is too vulnerable, too young, perhaps too ugly...

as i live out the consequences of having checked out from the world for a while to *not die* and recover, the gravity of what has taken place sinks in, shaking me. everyone else already went through this, from the worried space of the proverbial (and actual) bedside.

i feel jarred, violently ripped from the life that i knew, battered about and left to recover. the hard work of regaining physical health has led me to sustainable habits. the people i love helped me with that. it is time to figure out what to do with these pieces, to fold this experience into my identity as i make a life again for myself.

Friday, September 18, 2009 

not enough room

Friday, September 11, 2009 

Carrot Tzatziki

Ingredients

1 C low-fat plain yogurt
1 clove garlic
2 tsp olive oil
2 tsp white wine vinegar
1 carrot
s&p to taste

Instructions

Grate the garlic and carrot into a bowl, combine with the remaining ingredients.

Monday, September 07, 2009 

update for inquiring minds

Update

London
I leave on the 22nd for London, where I'll be pursuing a MA in Philosophy and Contemporary Critical Theory at Middlesex University. I am still waiting to enroll, but I'll be taking four modules and writing a dissertation. The program takes one full year. I will be studying the German and French schools of thought in a broad sense, and will do in-depth study of Kant, Hegel, Deleuze, Negri, Agamben, Nietzsche, Heidegger....

I will also be studying French and hope to get a part-time job doing something fun.

Life, The Universe, and Everything
I'm still clocking in some hours with the family for whom I'm an assistant. It is difficult to leave my two beautiful, talented children, but I am excited for what the coming year holds for them.

My liver is behaving itself, and the latest numbers from my bloodwork are in a healthy range! I am feeling back to "normal" -- I do yoga or run 5x/week, my sleep patterns have normalized, and overall I feel great (this weekend is an exception, due to lack of sleep and a small bug Ann passed my way).

I am selling my car, and am trying to simplify as I pack for the UK. I am really going to miss my sewing machine, my guitar, and all of my cooking gear. That stuff is going into storage, along with the books that I can't afford to take. The rest I am giving away. That's right: the largest and most diverse collection of bath products (I could more than fill a large suitcase!)this side of the Red River is going to be scattered among a lucky few.

I have about twenty boxes that I have managed to get from various shops in Preston Hollow: the goal is to pack only what will fit in said boxes (or less).



I'm sure that there is more to update, but the boy is writing a screenplay for his film studies class and he has some questions about dialogue....

***
in response to james' question yesterday: i don't know that i need to provide a belief-statement in regard to knowledge of a thing-in-itself (or the thingness of a thing for that matter). that said, i do find kant's argument for a synthetic unity of intuitive occurrences compelling.
***





Monday, June 29, 2009 

R.I.P. Bronwen


The bunny passed away last week :(

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 

on bad influences

...shan suggests that her uncle play hookey from work to spend a day at bolivar....

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 

30

sometimes, on days frustrating like today, it behooves one to take pause and reflect on the phrase that deserves to be written and uttered more than once or twice:

i am still here.

in this, the summer of my lost year, sitting on the couch at work exhausted while the young teenager plays with his new cell phone, i am reminded of the glass half full take on the troubles my health has brought this direction.

and later tonight? spinach and mushroom enchiladas with mole sauce along with roasted corn on the cobb and chile lime butter.


-----

my last few blog posts (since the first hospitalization in february) have a forced quality, as though i'm trying to conjure up hope.

that's okay. despair is in such ample supply and so damned accessible. i accept this season. sometimes i'm even at peace with the disappointment, suffering, and blows both financial and academic.

when i look in the mirror to brush my teeth or comb my hair, a thirty-year-old looks back solemnly.